


quiet doubts

by leiapadme



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, F/M, Self-Hatred, Slight Possessiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 23:32:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13421958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leiapadme/pseuds/leiapadme
Summary: Kylo can't remember the last time he wasn't plagued with doubts. He doesn't mean to let the thoughts possess him, but they do. He never feels like anyone loves him in the same way that he loves others. Although he never doubts Rose's love, despite feeling undeserving of it.





	quiet doubts

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a crackship but now I'm weirdly into it. This is the first fic I've written in years.

Kylo doesn't mean to do it, to think it, to let it possess him.

But it does. He lets it.

He never feels like anyone loves him in the same way that he loves others. He doubts every act of compassion, every shared I love you, every kiss or touch. It seems like it's all in vain. He knows he is often volatile and angry. He knows he is hard to love or like.

Rose loves him, he does not doubt this. She's said it enough times; pulled his face down towards hers to pointedly tell him, whispered it against his lips, pressed the words into his skin while they lie in bed. But part of him always wonders just how much of Rose is devoted to him.

There were other times when Rose would look at him, and he knew that every part of her — every part she could manage — belonged to him. It was these times when Kylo wanted to put an invisible mark on her, screaming _mine, mine, mine_.

It is also during these times when Rey reaches out through their bond; concerned and in awe. She knows you cannot own people, cannot keep people irrevocably tied to you, even if you claim to love them. Kylo knows this as well, and yet since killing his master and leaving the First Order behind, it is Rose that has helped center him. He would probably go down kicking and screaming if something were to pull her away from him. Rose has become a balm to his soul.

He wants to believe Rose and believe in their relationship, but his self-loathing ways always seem to trump anything else. He doesn't know if he could ever trust something that seemed so fragile. These are the thoughts that plague him most at night.

Rose stirs in their bunk, rolls onto her side to face him. They're both light sleepers and Kylo hardly sleeps at all. She blinks a few times before opening her eyes completely. Her brow furrows when she notices Kylo watching her.

"Sleep," she mumbles, "You need rest." Her hand reaches up to run along his arm. Kylo shivers.

"I will," he whispers.

Rose only frowns, "You're thinking too loud." She leans closer so their noses are touching. "Is this some Force related thing?" she asks.

Kylo shakes his head, "No, it's uh, just a me related thing." He can almost feel a blush creeping up his neck and face.

If anything, this wakes Rose up even more. Her hands find their way onto his neck and Kylo thinks he would understand if she strangled him or snapped his neck right now. He's hurt so many people, even Rose indirectly. Instead, she brushes a kiss against his neck, his jaw and then finally his lips. He lets out a shuddering breath and recaptures her mouth.

They sink into each other, kissing and grasping. Kylo pushes his thoughts of _'I love you I love you I love you I need you'_ into Rose's head. He can feel her pulse speed up a little bit. He pulls her on top of him, surrounds himself with her scent and her skin, and wills the galaxy away for the time being.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like since Kylo isn't the most well-adjusted individual, he might not be the most stable in a relationship.


End file.
